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03 January 2006 @ 04:24 pm
So, as of last night, and as a direct result of the past few days, we're on a break.
I can't at this moment decide whether that's a good thing or not, even though I cried with relief when I asked him where we were and we decided on that, because I thought, at least it's not over, there's still something to salvage. Even though the length of the break hasn't been discussed. Even though everything sounds pretty uncertain now, the way he goes about it, by saying, "at the moment.. for now.. I'm not sure what will happen in the future.. I'm sorry if this seems unclear and I'm messing you about.." those kinds of sentences. He says he has things that he really needs to sort out, and that it's hard to tell me, and that I need to try and understand. I don't really get that, I've gone over and over again in my head what there could be to sort out and all I can come up with is worst case scenarios. I really showed my emotions on Sunday night, and I do wonder to myself whether that was the best way to go about things or not - but it was the honest way, and let's face it, I can't go back on it now. It's still pretty much a shock; the way it happened almost so suddenly, even though it felt like it had gone on for weeks, and how everything was really, so perfect. I can't understand but I guess I have to sit this out.
I guess it's a good thing, because there's still hope, and everybody knows that I'm not one to give up in a fight; especially him.
I am pretty scared - I don't want to lose him.
We spoke on the phone last night too, before we spoke of [in text] where we stood and such, and instead of the normal, "I'll speak to you tomorrow," I always get at the end of every call, "tomorrow" became "soon", and that was really scary, and I really sobbed when I got off the phone to him because I can never tell how soon "soon" is, and I didn't like to think that I wouldn't get to talk to him every day like I have done for the past four months. That really shook me.

Today is supposed to be the most miserable day in the calendar year, go figure!
& my camera didn't arrive today neither, that was actually what was keeping me going all day. Boo, stinker.