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12 May 2006 @ 06:04 pm
oh goodness. going out tonight to see le sep' with jack (& chris & ed & ughANAugh) & i have been thinking about doing this for a while. wearing something. so i put it all on& i don't know what to think. i love it yet i'm not so sure all at the same time. ladies, tell me whether i can pull this off before i leave in an hour aagahrgrhgh..!

it is just long t-shirt. tights. shoes. oh gosh. the tshirt falls about 2 inches under my bum, 3 at the very most. (i am not good with distances, as you can tell!) oh lord. break it to me?

also; lots of things to tell, lots of things happening, but i just need this one happy night& i will be back to you all. x
01 May 2006 @ 10:20 am
so after all that, when i had finally decided to stay with rich would be the best thing, when i was completely beginning to enjoy it, when i was just beginning to make it known to everybody that i was with somebody else& that i was happy, after the near 2 hours i spent compiling& perfecting an e-mail to jack, so that he could know before everybody else told him, so that i could ask for some sort of acceptable friendship, after all that, rich goes off on one& breaks the relationship off.

which is quite lollable, really.

man. that is all.
17 April 2006 @ 11:17 pm
boys getting jealous; is this a bit of a taboo subject, is it something that only happens in the movies to make girls feel better, or does it actually happen? let me elaborate.

this evening, i missed a phone call from jack. i did not know about it, however, for at least 2 hours until i messaged him online. which is something i never normally do, in both cases; i mean, miss calls & instant message jack. it was 10pm, i was feeling pretty hyper. i saw jack online. i thought, what the hell! "SUP SUP!" i go steaming in. "don't matter now." he replies. what?
so we got in to a small conversation about how he called me but i didn't pick up, & that it didn't matter now, & i went on about how you cannot phone people up & then expect them to forget it, i mean, it's practically the law! but he was adament it didn't matter, & then eventually owned up (or whatever) that he couldn't remember what it was about anyway. except that i sounded really hyper & happier to what i've made myself sound like, & jack spoke evn less than what i've made him out to speak. it was all one word answers, you see. & answers with no feeling whatsoever. he is not a happy bunny.
"have a good easter?" i ask.
"no." he says.
"aaw. that's not nice. why so?" i carry on.
"it was just rubbish."
then, a bit later...
"man. smile. tell me a random monkey fact! i haven't had a daily monkey fact from you for aaages." i say, cheerfully.
"haven't got any."
so you see. ok, any normal person would not worry about it at all, but you see when you know somebody's character & that just is not it, then you begin to get just a little concerned. it is not like jack to ring me full stop about something that doesn't concern a gig, let alone tell me it doesn't matter - we are talking about mr. (usually) upfront of the century. he also, within the conversation, went on to ask a couple of questions about james, who he met on friday. which is also something new; never has he asked me questions about friends before. he's usually asked them & become friends with them before i get a chance to pass on the message!
the one word answers, the flippant attitude, the almost pessimistic approach to things; it just isn't jack at all. because jack is the person who boasts about all the good times he has had & even if he hasn't had a good time, he will still make damn sure you know that he has. he never admits to not having a good time. he never doesn't have anything to say. i would not put it down to just being a bad day idea, if i am honest.

rich thinks jack is jealous because he thinks i am seeing james. big conclusion to jump to, but you know. then again, i also know that if i explain this situation to jade as well, she would be saying the exact same thing. when one person says so, it kind of makes you think, as if you weren't anyway. when another person says it, you start to believe it.
i probably shouldn't. maybe that's just what i want to believe is happening. is that cruel? bad? i'm not sure anymore.
when push comes to shove, i still miss him. & when we broke up, when he said all that, "i can't be with you now," nonsense or at least what i thought was nonsense, i believed that the emphasis in that sentence was on the word can't. now? now i really believe it was on the word now.
& shit. what if it is? what if it is...

i don't know if i am patient enough to wait this one out; but i think i may just have to be.

my head (& heart) is now all over the place. i didn't bank on this happening. i didn't bank on this happening, at all.
12 April 2006 @ 02:08 pm
i'm not livejournalling that much, & i am unsure why. i tried to keep a secret journal so i could bitch about everything but i do not even have the urges for that. it is a rather strange affair!

it has been an interesting couple of days. on monday, i stayed around rich's (newbury, not welsh) & when i came home on tuesday, that was all i wanted to talk about here. then i went out yesterday evening & it has just changed everything. some in good ways, some it bad ways.
if anybody is to take blame for the change, it's jade. just because i feel like it. also because she has been putting things in to my head for the last few weeks; at first i doubted her, but now it's suddenly starting to make a little sense.

so last night, i saw jack for the first time since february, since before we had broken up properly. breathe.
i was absolutely terrified, but i had to do it, otherwise stuart would have called me a pussy again, i would have been really angered with myself & lastly, i would have broken a promise to some really good - albeit tough to stay sometimes - friends. however, i was all up for it because it meant i would get some of my belongings back, not to mention see a really good bad.
at approximately 10 minutes before i left, i received some lovely news from jack. "tasha's coming." for those who do not know, tasha is his ex. the ex. the one that i thought would merrily like to slice my face off. & queue me running around like a headless chicken until i had to leave, & then shaking all the way to highbury. & then shaking once i was waiting at highbury for them for half an hour, because it was too cold & they were late. finally, they arrived. the first person i saw was tasha, then gratefully jack & co. my ticket was shoved in to my hand in a big reminder of coheed (eek) but we found our way upstairs & everything seemed to alter.
jack was just.. jack. exactly how i remember him. friendly, conversational, jokey, interactive, getting everybody together. he made me feel pretty damn comfortable which i was afraid he would not do, or elect me from the group altogether. i'm kind of learning that there is not really any sides to him; he is just his own. he knows that sometimes i get scared, & when i get scared, i get really cruel. i was afraid he would be really apprehensive around me because of that, but he wasn't.
then, tasha. i'm not sure if many of you know the back-story involving tasha, but there's not much to it apart from, we've never met, i have been told she didn't like me, i was intimidated by her, etc, etc. even at the start of the gig, i imagined i could feel an atmosphere & that it would be another night where i spoke to jack, chris, j, rayche & none others. then all of a sudden, me & tasha started talking. i'm not sure how it happened, but i am really glad it did. we just seemed to click in an absolute instant, & when i thought about it much later that night, it only made too much sense that we would get on - after all, the same guy went out with us, there must have been something identical in us that he would like, & that would make us be able to identify with each other. as i said to imogen not too long ago, if it wasn't for the circumstances, i'm sure me & tasha would get along more than fine. but we do right now. even talking about jack was not a sore point for either of us. we talked about everything. it even made me giggle how she knew who i was & some of the things i like/do, just the same as i do with her.
for the record, i did not speak to ana, nor ed, at all. i don't think i even looked ana in the eye, apart from once. jack knows something is up, i think somebody mentioned something. he asked me about it, & i said that i would tell him about it in a less noisy environment. i am still uncertain whether to tell him what happened or not, as it involves ed calling me some really nasty things, & i'm not sure whether i should inject that in to the equation. still, if i tell jack what happened, i cannot really leave it out, so it's an all or nothing situation once again.

& yes, i feel pretty different now. i feel quite full of love. love & cheer. seeing jack has not made me feel that way; well, maybe. but not entirely. just being back in the fold, part of something that i was scared i would be evicted from. maybe i do get scared just a little too much, sometimes. & to come out of it with a new friend, somebody who i thought i could never be friends with, just makes it a whole lot better. i shouldn't assume so much, in future. like how i thought ana was the friend & tasha was the enemy before, but now ana is more than definately the enemy & tasha is, prospectively, the friend.
ana worries me. not because i am intimidated by her - well, she makes me nervous, but - because i am worried for her, perhaps. her ways, her calculations, she way she treats people sometimes, the way she has to have her own way. i do not want my friends to end up being on the receiving end of some of that, neither do i want her to wind up with no friends because of that. ok, i am soft. i may not like someone but i often do not think they deserve the rough deal. i will never trust ana again, however. i trusted her with a lot of my thoughts & feelings before, & now i see it was silly to do that; they could have been input anywhere, to anybody. & to top it off, just as i was beginning to see that i had a really good friend in her, she went & got me the blame for something she did; for something i did not do. enter ed calling me a 'fucking psycho' & a 'stupid cunt' for reasons that i really did not deserve to have my name against.
craig told me that i should not hesitate about telling jack. i am in conflict.

i think i want to stay single for a while. fuck breaking that one to rich.
15 March 2006 @ 10:11 am
the fall of troy was worth it. i got to have irish jokes with scouser, & scouse jokes with kid irish. i also learned how not to mix my drinks; i swear i STILL feel drunk, i've not even had a hangover yet. whurr.

i saw cave in boy again today, as well as yesterday. there is progress! yesterday was a wave. today was another wave, & a conversation through facial expressions, which was basically just me shrugging & looking down the platform for my (late, AGAIN) train, & him laughing. & then he blew me a kiss. =) we have not yet spoken at all. god damn those train tracks! i still do not know his name. i think tomorrow i may ask him?
^ this is probably quite silly, in the long run.

i like somebody but i do not want it to be rebound. however it is going to be about 6 weeks until i am in their company again so maybe i will be over certain things by then. who knows? i cannot wait.
jack gave me a call on monday afternoon; it was completely normal, or, well, as normal as i know with him. we spoke exactly how we spoke before we got together. it was just.. normal. i would be lying if i said it didn't freak me out.

i lost my oyster card when stumbling home on monday night, & i actually cried, but not lots. in 3 months, i still haven't cried the big cry i have been urging for. my oyster card was in a plastic wallet that held all my old train tickets & little notelets & things. the tickets from mine & ritch's 'trenau arriva cymru' day, all the ones that took me from my house to jack's & back.
i hate bringing up his name but sometimes i have to.
i don't want to talk to him ever again but at the same time, i really want to be his good friend.
i can't stand the fact that i am still feeling like this, after over 2 months. i don't get it.

james craddock is a TOSSERY FOOL. <3345 SUPSUP, SEXY SCALLY.
vodka shots, hellogoodbye, & srsly sad songs. all in one phone call. i spent last night alone but not so alone at all. =)

sometimes, i wish i knew what the hell i was thinking.
10 March 2006 @ 12:18 pm
mock results;
1 D in media 6 - analysing media products
1 E in ICT 19 - impact comps on soc & env
1 U in ICT 5 - systems analysis
1 U in media 1 - media industries

it's £12 per resit & i'm not sure what i should/shouldn't resit, as i will not in any way have almost £50 by next friday (deadline) & i don't particularly want to go to my parents for help.
really, i should resit the U in 'systems analysis' but i'm wondering what is the point of paying £12 for something i'm likely to fail or do poorly in again. so i've decided to not resit my lowest mark, so i can concentrate on improving my media & the other ICT unit.. is that really stupid, or sensible?

the weekend is starting out to be a good one. i'm making a trip to brighton with the lovely aimee so that i can help her out with her photography diploma by being her model/a total tit. & of course, i'm sure we'll find time to fit in food & a few vodkas along the way. i have never been to brighton before, so this will be nice. =) & i haven't seen aimee for a long time.
i like the feeling of catching up with friends. sometimes i think that's why i don't see everybody that often, because it maybe always feels so great when we do see each other?
i missed going to cardiff on wednesday. =( which meant missing going out with my girls. =( =( i got told of all the good times though. dancing to 80's music, & kelly getting banned from metros.
i'm certain that one day, that is where i am going to live.

i keep seeing a guy on the way to college, either on the bus or at the train station. he first caught my eye on the bus a week or so ago because he looked like richard & he also had a cave in patch on his bag. i saw him for the 3rd time yesterday morning & he was on the same platform as me. i found this strange because i had thought about him during the journey to the station & wondered if he would get on the bus or not.. & then i stepped on to the platform & saw he was here. queue sillysilly smile. =)
i'm not sure why, but i am afraid to say hello to him. we keep swapping smiles, it seems silly to let a perfect stranger in to your life but at the same time, it seems silly to let him out of it.
i thought about slipping him a note saying, "cave in are awesome," but he would probably laugh in my face.
maybe all we are supposed to do is smile?

every time i find an old bag or jacket, i put my hands in my inside or in my pockets & find an old memory, something that reminds me of him. & i don't want to remember him right now. he is not coming to the fall of troy on monday anymore & in a small way, i'm glad. a bit concerned. but mostly glad.
we broke up btw. it's long & complicated & maybe i'll go in to it soon but not right now; there is still stuff connected going on & troubling our 'friendship' right now. why can't people just leave things alone?

i don't hate any people but i HATE shitstirrers because they are not people.
29 January 2006 @ 03:54 pm

people keep commenting on my apparent "weight loss".
i feel like i'm 10 times bigger than i ever was before,
but still;
if this is what break-ups do to you, then that's the only reason i welcome them with open arms.

i took the day off work today so that i could sort out my room. once it's sorted out, we can finally get decorating/renovating! pink&brown decor, new bedframe, laminate floor, new bedsheets, curtains, objects. it will be so new & lovely & fresh; i cannot wait to get started. it of course will merit lots of trips to ikea which i would never complain about! =D
it's halfway clear & looking ok. i have gotten rid of so much crap; i'm scared i won't have any memories left! but i suppose the important stuff is the stuff i'll always remember, second for second, word for word.

# the bad stuff; i'm beginning to hate myspace & the mind tricks it plays on me.
# the good stuff; thinking of getting a domain & hostspace to upload a website for photos/journalbooks/poems to go on to; anybody recommend any good domain name merchants or webhosts? pref. cheap, mind!
06 January 2006 @ 09:41 pm
Ritch says:
what's the matter ?
I says:
it's you men. you mangle my braaaaain!
Ritch says:
ahh relationship troubles ?
I says:
yeah. it's horrible
Ritch says:
ahh thats a shame
Ritch says:
I like jack
Ritch says:
he seemed a decent fellow and he made you realy happy

& he still calls me his little 'Myn' and he still has time for everybody and he still praises me on everything I do; when Richard was made, somebody made sure he was one of a kind, for sure. I think that every time I talk to him, I appreciate him so much that I surely couldn't do so anymore, but every time I am proved wrong once again. Maybe because where we have really talked before, we haven't really gone in depth, and where we have gone in depth, we haven't gone deep, deeper under our skins. & I guess now we begin to, it's just.. right; where it feels like we have been friends for a long time, and instead of feeling that, we actually have. [my friendship span usually runs for about 10 months or less because people always stop and start, move back and forth and generally lose contact.] A year and a half is long, but not long enough, we'll still be rocking out and running back to the van for a cup of tea and a chat in years to come. Friendship never gets any better than that.
It's nice to have distractions. :)

E D I T ;; and still, after two years of listening to 'Untimid' nearly every day, it still leaves me teary eyed, if not crying full stop. I had to stop and think for a moment when I heard it tonight, and I couldn't believe that all the boys but Richard were 17 when that song was recorded. [Richard was 18.] That's younger than I am now; and he was younger than I was now. He certainly was when he wrote it anyway. The line that always gets me is, "push me off.. I'm missing what she said." It always makes me wonder what he went through to write something as piercing as those words, and what they actually mean.

Push. me. off.
03 January 2006 @ 04:24 pm
So, as of last night, and as a direct result of the past few days, we're on a break.
I can't at this moment decide whether that's a good thing or not, even though I cried with relief when I asked him where we were and we decided on that, because I thought, at least it's not over, there's still something to salvage. Even though the length of the break hasn't been discussed. Even though everything sounds pretty uncertain now, the way he goes about it, by saying, "at the moment.. for now.. I'm not sure what will happen in the future.. I'm sorry if this seems unclear and I'm messing you about.." those kinds of sentences. He says he has things that he really needs to sort out, and that it's hard to tell me, and that I need to try and understand. I don't really get that, I've gone over and over again in my head what there could be to sort out and all I can come up with is worst case scenarios. I really showed my emotions on Sunday night, and I do wonder to myself whether that was the best way to go about things or not - but it was the honest way, and let's face it, I can't go back on it now. It's still pretty much a shock; the way it happened almost so suddenly, even though it felt like it had gone on for weeks, and how everything was really, so perfect. I can't understand but I guess I have to sit this out.
I guess it's a good thing, because there's still hope, and everybody knows that I'm not one to give up in a fight; especially him.
I am pretty scared - I don't want to lose him.
We spoke on the phone last night too, before we spoke of [in text] where we stood and such, and instead of the normal, "I'll speak to you tomorrow," I always get at the end of every call, "tomorrow" became "soon", and that was really scary, and I really sobbed when I got off the phone to him because I can never tell how soon "soon" is, and I didn't like to think that I wouldn't get to talk to him every day like I have done for the past four months. That really shook me.

Today is supposed to be the most miserable day in the calendar year, go figure!
& my camera didn't arrive today neither, that was actually what was keeping me going all day. Boo, stinker.
01 January 2006 @ 12:21 am
You are just like an avalanche;
cold as I might have guessed,
but at least I'm covered up for now.


I won't care for you
like I'm really supposed to.
There are things I'll do
that could really hurt you.

Don't you just love goodbyes?
156, don't you just love goodbyes?

happy new year, all.
20 minutes in & i hate it already.