i'm not livejournalling that much, & i am unsure why. i tried to keep a secret journal so i could bitch about everything but i do not even have the urges for that. it is a rather strange affair!
it has been an interesting couple of days. on monday, i stayed around rich's (newbury, not welsh) & when i came home on tuesday, that was all i wanted to talk about here. then i went out yesterday evening & it has just changed everything. some in good ways, some it bad ways.
if anybody is to take blame for the change, it's jade. just because i feel like it. also because she has been putting things in to my head for the last few weeks; at first i doubted her, but now it's suddenly starting to make a little sense.
so last night, i saw jack for the first time since february, since before we had broken up properly. breathe.
i was absolutely terrified, but i had to do it, otherwise stuart would have called me a pussy again, i would have been really angered with myself & lastly, i would have broken a promise to some really good - albeit tough to stay sometimes - friends. however, i was all up for it because it meant i would get some of my belongings back, not to mention see a really good bad.
at approximately 10 minutes before i left, i received some lovely news from jack. "tasha's coming." for those who do not know, tasha is his ex. the ex. the one that i thought would merrily like to slice my face off. & queue me running around like a headless chicken until i had to leave, & then shaking all the way to highbury. & then shaking once i was waiting at highbury for them for half an hour, because it was too cold & they were late. finally, they arrived. the first person i saw was tasha, then gratefully jack & co. my ticket was shoved in to my hand in a big reminder of coheed (eek) but we found our way upstairs & everything seemed to alter.
jack was just.. jack. exactly how i remember him. friendly, conversational, jokey, interactive, getting everybody together. he made me feel pretty damn comfortable which i was afraid he would not do, or elect me from the group altogether. i'm kind of learning that there is not really any sides to him; he is just his own. he knows that sometimes i get scared, & when i get scared, i get really cruel. i was afraid he would be really apprehensive around me because of that, but he wasn't.
then, tasha. i'm not sure if many of you know the back-story involving tasha, but there's not much to it apart from, we've never met, i have been told she didn't like me, i was intimidated by her, etc, etc. even at the start of the gig, i imagined i could feel an atmosphere & that it would be another night where i spoke to jack, chris, j, rayche & none others. then all of a sudden, me & tasha started talking. i'm not sure how it happened, but i am really glad it did. we just seemed to click in an absolute instant, & when i thought about it much later that night, it only made too much sense that we would get on - after all, the same guy went out with us, there must have been something identical in us that he would like, & that would make us be able to identify with each other. as i said to imogen not too long ago, if it wasn't for the circumstances, i'm sure me & tasha would get along more than fine. but we do right now. even talking about jack was not a sore point for either of us. we talked about everything. it even made me giggle how she knew who i was & some of the things i like/do, just the same as i do with her.
for the record, i did not speak to ana, nor ed, at all. i don't think i even looked ana in the eye, apart from once. jack knows something is up, i think somebody mentioned something. he asked me about it, & i said that i would tell him about it in a less noisy environment. i am still uncertain whether to tell him what happened or not, as it involves ed calling me some really nasty things, & i'm not sure whether i should inject that in to the equation. still, if i tell jack what happened, i cannot really leave it out, so it's an all or nothing situation once again.
& yes, i feel pretty different now. i feel quite full of love. love & cheer. seeing jack has not made me feel that way; well, maybe. but not entirely. just being back in the fold, part of something that i was scared i would be evicted from. maybe i do get scared just a little too much, sometimes. & to come out of it with a new friend, somebody who i thought i could never be friends with, just makes it a whole lot better. i shouldn't assume so much, in future. like how i thought ana was the friend & tasha was the enemy before, but now ana is more than definately the enemy & tasha is, prospectively, the friend.
ana worries me. not because i am intimidated by her - well, she makes me nervous, but - because i am worried for her, perhaps. her ways, her calculations, she way she treats people sometimes, the way she has to have her own way. i do not want my friends to end up being on the receiving end of some of that, neither do i want her to wind up with no friends because of that. ok, i am soft. i may not like someone but i often do not think they deserve the rough deal. i will never trust ana again, however. i trusted her with a lot of my thoughts & feelings before, & now i see it was silly to do that; they could have been input anywhere, to anybody. & to top it off, just as i was beginning to see that i had a really good friend in her, she went & got me the blame for something she did; for something i did not do. enter ed calling me a 'fucking psycho' & a 'stupid cunt' for reasons that i really did not deserve to have my name against.
craig told me that i should not hesitate about telling jack. i am in conflict.
i think i want to stay single for a while. fuck breaking that one to rich.